Lisa Leslie is a four-time Olympic gold medalist, two-time WNBA champion, three-time WNBA MVP, successful businesswoman, wife and mother.  I am none of those things, but it only took five minutes of talking to Lisa about her success for her to make a difference in my life. In my interview with Lisa, we discussed the keys to her success – in sports, in business and as a parent – and I took away key learnings that I am already putting into practice with my kids and my business.

As a guy with degrees in mathematics and computer science, whenever I hear someone talk about “positive thinking”, I want to run for the hills in order to avoid one of those “if you just think positively, everything will work out” speeches from one of those annoyingly optimistic people. I keep thinking about a Ferrari but one never seems to show up in my driveway, right?

But Lisa had a very different way of thinking about positive thinking. For Lisa, it started with her mother. “My mother drove an 18-wheel truck, but she believed that the thoughts you allowed in your mind would have a big impact on your life and your actions,” said Lisa, “and she also believed that the thoughts you put into the universe would come back to you in a positive way.  But mom didn’t push positive thinking on us, she just demonstrated it all the time and it became a ‘condition’ of my thought processes,” Lisa concluded.

Lisa gave the simple example of having your keys locked in the car. Now that sucks when that happens, but at that point you have a choice: you can either make that a big deal and respond very negatively, or you can look at it and think to yourself: ‘maybe I wasn’t meant to be in the car at that particular time’ and it’s ok if I miss whatever appointment I was going to.

I asked Lisa how this helped her in a game situation when the pressure was on and the fans were going crazy. “Whether we were up 30 points or down 30 points, I would stay focused and play the best I could in that moment.  If we are down 30 and I started to think about the negative outcome (losing and being embarrassed), then that negative energy would affect how I played and we were less likely to come back. Same thing if we were up 30 points; if I thought of the last time we lost a big lead (again, negative energy), I would start to get anxious and we were more likely to lose again”.

This idea of creating positive thinking as a thought process really came to life for me when Lisa started explaining how she applies it to her kids (full disclosure: I have 8 & 5 year old daughters). Lisa explained, “with our kids, if they are being negative or getting upset about something small, we would quickly acknowledge their frustration (e.g., ‘that’s too bad you spilled your ice cream’), but not focus any additional attention on it. If they keep whining or crying about the lost ice cream, we ignore it. That way, the negative behaviour is not rewarded with attention, so the child naturally stops doing it.”

Of course, if it’s something more serious – the child broke her arm – you are going to allow her to express more frustration and you are going to be empathetic. But so much of what children (and adults) have tantrums about aren’t broken arms. This was a revelation for my wife and me as we often get “drawn into the vortex” of responding to whining, crying, and getting frustrated when they are not listening or being disrespectful. The concept of simply ignoring the negative behaviour when it is not warranted had never crossed our mind.

If you then add in a positive outcome to the situation – e.g., “next time you have ice cream, what flavour do you want?” – Then you are literally conditioning your children’s thought processes to focus less on the negative and more on the positive.

Finally, Lisa recommended that “you emphasize when they respond positively, giving them lots of praise and attention, which further reinforces their demonstrating the positive behaviour”.

We thought this was such a good idea that my wife and I made a New Year’s resolution to focus less on the negative behaviour of our children and focus more on reinforcing their positive behaviour and thinking. After only a few weeks of trying this (it takes practice), we are already noticing less whining, less fussing and most importantly, less fighting between our girls over small things.

Ok, that’s great for kids, but how does this all translate into business? Lisa suggests “Think about the type of culture your company is creating. When things don’t go well, what are you modelling?  Do you focus on the negative, finding blame, criticizing, and getting frustrated when someone makes a mistake or you lose a client, or are you looking for positive outcomes?”  Everyone makes mistakes, so once the person or group acknowledges the mistake, thank them for owning up to it and discuss what everyone can learn so they can do better next time (I.e. a positive future outcome).

Similarly, when you are in meetings and people are being negative, do you get “sucked into the vortex” of focusing on it, or can you change the frame of the conversation to focus on a positive outcome? If you recently lost a big client, you need to determine why it happened (without blame), and then focus on what can be improved so you can keep your other good clients, or even possibly win that one back (more positive potential outcomes).

One of Lisa’s most admired Olympic coaches is Tara Vanderveer, head coach at Stanford University. Tara would often quote from Charles Schwindoll: “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond”. So true!  This is actually the last part of a great quote from Charles Shwindoll and you can see that and other great Emotional Intelligence quotes at: http://www.ihhp.com/equotes.htm

As Lisa grew up, she found herself often taking the more positive mindset because of the modelling from her mother, and that being able to respond to difficult situations and circumstances with a positive outlook had a huge impact on her ability to overcome those obstacles. Given the success that Lisa has had as an athlete, businesswoman and mother, I for one am going to give this “positive thinking” thing a try.

This discipline of constantly practicing to get better every minute, every hour of every day is a key ingredient in the success of these world athletes. The repetition practiced by Michael Jordan growing up shooting, dribbling and most notoriously bursting into the air making those highlight dunks was evident in how he helped lead his team to winning the World Championship 6 times. Or, ask anyone who has played football with Tom Brady and they would say he was constantly practicing and striving to be better and better, and his discipline eventually affected the whole team’s performance.

Working on these habits on a daily basis allows for a second nature reaction to occur when you need it the most – at game time and in a challenging situation. In the end, your consistent practicing provides an advantage over your opponent when he/she begins to experience fatigue both mentally and physically. Your practicing can give you the capability to improve your skill sets drastically as certain movements become second nature, thus allowing you more time to practice and train on skills that need improving.

The sports world has become so competitive that skill alone will not get you to the next level unless you mix that with a work ethic to build these habits in order to make them second nature. Of course everyone can’t be Sidney Crosby or Michael Jordan’s, but that’s not the point. The point is that everyone has the ability to become better at something with practice and this does not only apply to the sports world. Using the same concept you are able to improve your writing skills, become a better public speaker or simply begin typing faster and all it takes is PRACTICE, PRACTICE and more PRACTICE!

Emotional intelligence is also one of those skills that really can only be developed through practice. Many have heard about emotional intelligence. Many people think they actually “have it” or can name a person or boss that they think “needs it”. But how many of you actually spend time every day practicing and improving?

Try it out and send us an example of when you or someone you know has set out to learn or improve a certain skill – or their emotional intelligence. We’ll pick the best example and publish it in one of our upcoming newsletters. The winner will receive a complimentary copy of Playing BIG – an interactive computer/internet-based program. It uses video clips, questions and exercises, and a learning journal to inspire you on your EQ journey and provide you with more to practice!

By Tyler Rivers

“So what is your resolution for 2012?”  I asked a friend over the holidays.

“Resolutions??!!  I don’t do resolutions, they are so cliché.  People make their resolutions in January, break their resolutions by February and then spend the next 11 months feeling guilty about them until it is time to disappoint themselves again the following year.”

Although I was initially taken aback by the cynicism of the comment (and possibly a little offended that she was basically calling me cliché for making a resolution), what she said had merit.

It sometimes seems that there are as many tips and suggestions on how to set goals as there are people making and breaking New Year resolutions each year.  Write them down, use the S.M.A.R.T approach (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria), break them into small actionable steps, and celebrate the wins, to name a few.  However, the stark reality is that many people take each of the steps and yet still fail to meet their goals and achieve their New Year resolutions – why is this?

Studies in the field of neuroscience can shed some light on this phenomenon.  Whenever we initiate a change, even a positive New Year’s resolution such as ‘exercising to get in shape’, we activate the emotional centers of our limbic brain.  The limbic brain is designed to reward certainty and predictability and it is because of this design that humans have survived throughout the ages.   From a limbic brain perspective, ‘change’ often leads us down a path of uncertainty and less predictability.  As a result our brain tries to intervene on our good intentions to change and fulfill a New Year’s resolution by invoking its power to entice us back to our “old” predictable ways.  One way that it accomplishes this is by dousing our blood with feel-good chemicals such as dopamine as a reward when we continue with our old behaviors.  This is why we initially feel good sitting around on the couch watching re-runs of T.V. shows instead of going to the gym if getting in shape was our New Year’s resolution.

Luckily, we are not totally at the mercy of our limbic brain.  With the knowledge of what actions trigger it, then we can learn how to manage it to work in our favor.  To do this we must look at the various stages people go through on their journey to changing and achieving their New Year’s resolutions.

Stage 1 – Unrealistic Optimism : Most of us can relate to the feeling of a fresh new start; the alluring emotional feeling that we get when we envision a future that is different, that is better, that is perfect because it will resolve all of our current life challenges.  We think that if we build enough motivation and have enough willpower we will prevail and that nothing will stop us from achieving our goals.  Again, we can thank our emotional brain and the feel-good chemicals that are released when we envision the possibilities of a perfect world with a new “you”.   The catch here is that we aren’t doing anything differently yet, we are just envisioning it so the brain initially reacts to this in an advantageous way.

Stage 2 – Informed Pessimism: The initial excitement does not last forever as the untidiness of reality sets in and we realize that perfection isn’t all that easy to attain. We start to feel down on ourselves when we recognize that sheer willpower is not enough to achieve our goals and that even if they are achieved, they won’t solve everything.  We experience a gap between our good intentions behind the resolution (e.g., get in shape and healthy in 2012), and actually taking the necessary steps to achieve the resolutions (e.g., going to the gym). This occurs because the limbic brain now sends out error signals instead of feel-good chemicals when we try to change.  These error signals promote us to believe that other commitments, tasks and distractions will feel better and will be more rewarding than the changes we are attempting to make to fulfill our New Year’s resolutions

Psychologists Janet Polivy and Peter Herman describe such over-optimism as the False Hope Syndrome. Overconfidence about the size, speed, and ease of major life changes is associated with lower success rates due to the incongruence between the initial expectations and current reality.  However, the same research also shows that people who achieve their goals and those who don’t actually can go through these two stages.  The difference is that those who do achieve their goals don’t get stuck in Stage 2.

Stage 3 – Realistic Optimism: Cognizant of the challenging reality and acceptance of the unavoidable obstacles that present themselves on our journey to changing our behavior, our original optimism starts to reassert itself. The positive sense of potential begins to creep back in as we realize that although difficult, it is possible to achieve our resolutions and we continually take action on our goals even when difficult.

Stage 4 – Integrated Change: Eventually, things become relatively steady and manageable as the new behaviors are integrated into our current reality and we achieve our resolution.

So the question then becomes, how can more of us get out of the Stage 2 rut and into Stage 3?

It can be quite simple if we go back to the brain science.  Because our brain rewards predictability we must do a better job of building it into our plans.  If we don’t anticipate and expect the feelings of Stage 2 that are associated with making a change then we force ourselves to work against the natural design of our brain, and as we know, we often lose this battle and give up on our resolutions.

Instead, expect the challenges and potent negative feelings that arise when trying to accomplish your goals.  When initially making a resolution ensure you write down every obstacle that can come up, excuses you will give yourself, challenges you will face, and just as crucial, record how you will overcome them.  Next, keep this list with you so that when these hurdles do arise, simply have a look over your checklist and identify which predictable situation has arisen.  This will trick your brain into thinking it is getting ‘predictability.’  Since you have already designed how you will overcome the challenge you have also given your brain a sense of certainty – the two ingredients required to move you from Stage 2 to Stage 3.

Integrate this one simple addition to your New Year Resolution List and avoid being a cliché in 2012!

• In 2010 and 2011, IHHP has been one of the main sponsors for the Lake Simcoe Tour which helps support the local food banks in efforts to reduce those in need.
• The 2011 Dragon Boat Festival in Barrie, Ontario, Canada saw the emergence of the team “Its Been Emotional” who took the award home for “Rookie Of The Year”. That was us!

• Since joining Kiva in 2008, IHHP has participated in the raising of funds for over  90 different individuals, organizations and businesses in third world countries For those unaware of how Kiva works, it is a non-profit organization with a mission to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty. Using the internet and a worldwide network of microfinance institutions.

We look forward to continuing our effort heading into 2012 and would love to hear some stories from you on how you or your organizations are making our communities a better place. Please send your stories to tyler.rivers@ihhp.com.

If you’re lucky.

I’ve had the chance to speak to a handful of parents and teachers over the last few weeks and it seems that during the holidays, our perceptions of teens can often take a turn for the worse. Our good intentions of providing our teens and our family with an enjoyable and memorable holiday experience can be overshadowed by the stress that’s associated with this beautiful time of year. Guess what kind of impact that can have on the people around us? Bad.

According to the recent online article, doing too much, trying to please everyone, eating, drinking, spending too much money and time with other people (and not enough time with yourself) are among some of the factors that contribute to our holiday stress. In fact, more than 80% of people who replied to a recent poll said that the holiday season is either ‘somewhat’ or ‘very’ stressful.

But please don’t forget that it’s also stressful for your teen. Let’s add that the holidays are one of the most difficult times for a lot of teens. Feelings of loneliness overwhelm them. The stress of going home for the school break to an emotionally (or physically) abusive environment can have them on edge weeks before it actually starts. There can be a lot of emotion involved with the holidays and, if they’re not able to express it effectively to the people around them that can help them, that can be really frustrating.

What You Focus on Grows

There’s a lot of really great research out there on the power of gratitude and optimism. For example, studies at the University of California have shown that learning to cultivate gratitude in ourselves creates a stronger sense of optimism. It has also shown to be positively correlated with happiness and health and reduces stress.

Shift Your Attitude to Gratitude

Our brains are amazing things! We can physically make ourselves sick by worrying that we got just the right gift for a loved one or make ourselves angry by thinking about something a relative did to us the previous year. But just as our negative emotions can create negative physical experiences, we can also create positive physical experiences by strengthening our appreciation.

How? Here are 8 tools and tips we teach teens through Leadership Rewired that can help both you and your teens foster a greater sense of thanks:

1. Find Your Gratitude Anchor – What’s one thing that when you think about it, if automatically makes you feel positive? Maybe it’s a family member, your friends, a place you’ve visited, your pet, or a piece of jewelry that has meaning to you. Whatever it is, find something that you can carry around with you (a picture or video on your iPod for example) that you can go to when you start to find yourself feeling stressed or upset. By taking a few minutes to focus on that anchor, you can physically make yourself feel better.
2. Write down 5-10 things that you’re grateful for every day – Help your teens to create the positive habit of writing down 5 to 10 things that they are grateful for that day. It may be that they woke up with enough time to have breakfast, that someone said something nice about their clothes or that there’s food on the table for them when they get home. If you can, have this kind of discussion at the dinner table and share with your teen what you’re grateful for that day.
3. Write a Thank You note to the people who have helped you get where you are – It’s a great feeling to receive a thank you note (or email) from someone you’ve helped at some point or another. It’s also a really great feeling when you can sit down and write a thank you note to someone who has helped you recently. Maybe it’s a teacher who helped you understand a certain problem, a coach who worked with you to get better with your free throw or a friend that just listened to you without judgment during a difficult time.
4. Volunteer your time – This is a big one during the holidays but can be as equally powerful during any other point in the year. Find a cause that you’re interested in learning more about (homelessness for example) and give your time to it. Not only are you providing a valuable resource to often underfunded programs and organizations, but you’re also going to gain new insights, experiences and positive relationships by doing it. It’s a win-win!
5. Look for the positive in any situation – This one can be a little bit tricky unless we practice. Create a list of 3-5 questions that you can ask yourself when facing a difficult situation or circumstance. For example:
   • What am I learning?
   • How can I grow from this experience?
   • How can this make me stronger?
6. Identify the things you can control and the things you can’t – Again, this one takes a bit more practice than others. There are certain things that we can’t control in our lives (like other people posting negative things on your Facebook wall) but there are also things that we can (like the attitude you take and how you respond to that post). When you find yourself in a situation that seems uncomfortable, ask yourself (or better yet, write it down) “What can I control here and what can’t I?” Spend your energy and time on the things you can and try not to worry about the things you can’t.
7. Gratitude Graffiti or Gratitude Board – Make a list of all the things that you’re thankful for right now in your life. That might include friends, family, your shoes…whatever it is. Next, try to find pictures or draw images of all the things that you’re grateful for and glue or pin them to a board. Once you’ve done that, put that board somewhere where you will see it every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to bed.
8. Surround yourself with grateful people – We’re largely a product of the people we surround ourselves with. Take a look at the people you spend the most time with. Are they the kind of people who make you feel happy and appreciative or do they bring you down? If they’re downers, chances are you will be too.

These are only a few of the many tools and tips out there to bring more gratitude into our lives.  It’s important to know that not all of these tools or tips will work for everyone. We’ve got to help teens find what works for them and build on that. A good way to begin is by asking your teen what are the things they are most thankful for in their lives and, with no judgment, ask them how they can bring more of that into their lives.

With an abundance of gratitude,

Matt

It’s actually pretty easy (and fun) to start a gratitude wave in your office or home. Here’s one IHHP tried for the holiday season that initially felt “hokey” but turned out to be a wonderful sharing experience between co-workers. And it didn’t cost anything. We simply asked people to share their favorite holiday song with us and tell us why that was their favorite. Here are some of the things we learned about each other:

Bill - My favorite Christmas song is from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  Not only does it remind me of one of my favorite parts of my childhood, but now I get to read this book to my girls and watch the same Grinch cartoon I used to watch 40 years ago. It’s funny (the girls love Max) and it has a great message for kids.  Some things do stand the test of time!

Cranla – my favorite is “Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy” by Bing Crosby and David Bowie. (Interestingly, it was recorded on September 11, 1977). In addition to the harmonies and mix of traditional and contemporary seasonal music and lyrics (for that time), it reminds us each Christmas season of the cry for, and hope of, peace for all humankind!

Sallie –”Happy Holidays” is my favorite. Gets me in the spirit of the holiday every single time I hear it. When I’m in the spirit of the holidays, I am ALWAYS in a good mood and give off a very powerful positive vibe.

Sue – I would have to say “The Little Drummer Boy” by Bob Seger (well any artist really but I love his version). The song reminds me every year that we often get so caught up in the ‘materialistic gifts’ and what we should buy to please someone else, but in fact the best gift to give someone is ourselves.  We’re the gift. And to this day I still cry when the song goes quiet and the little drummer boy sings, “Then he smiled at me, barum pa pum pum; me and my drum.” (Ohhhh, now I’m getting all choked up again!)

Matt – “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” because I grew up listening to this. I still listen to this song every Christmas!

Josh – “Jingle bells” … for sure the one that comes to mind when I think of the holiday season. It’s a song I cannot forget after working at Canadian Tire when I was younger. I think that song was literally on repeat at the store. Even after that traumatic over exposure to the song I still enjoy it, so that’s my choice for the holiday song.

Tessa – My favorite Christmas song is “Frosty the Snowman” because it reminds me of growing up.  My sister and I would pull our sectional couch together to make one huge bed in the middle of the living room, climb into the middle of it and watch good old Frosty while playing, laughing and eating popcorn and candy.  Always a great Christmas memory!

Sara – “Winter Wonderland” is my favourite.  It reminds me of being a kid, playing in the snow and being so excited about Christmas and my whole family being together … and I love to sing along to the Eurythmic’s version! J

JP – My song would be “Joy to the World.” It is the song that we always ended Christmas Eve church with growing up (when I was a card-carrying Roman Catholic! Oh, how things have changed!). I loved singing it and heading home with our family to Christmas dinner and a night together as a family. It was always such a joyous occasion for me. I especially loved the last verse:

“He rules the world with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love
And wonders, wonders, of His love”

as it spoke to the wonders of love, of appreciation, and of an open heart.

Dany – “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey is my fave. ‘Cause it totally rocks!

Greer – “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by Barenaked Ladies.  The first concert my husband and I saw together was the Barenaked Ladies and we became big fans, and have seen them a number of times since.  We are also big Sara McLaughlin fans so fell in love again with a song she has on the Barenaked Ladies’ Christmas CD.

Tyler – “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by John Lennon – it prompts you to look back on the year that just passed and allows you to appreciate all the little things in life that really matter.

Christie – “Frosty the Snow Man” makes me think of being a kid as I remember watching the television show the song is from every year with my family. Now, I get to do the same with my kids!

That’s a taste of the gratitude wave we experienced with this little exercise at IHHP. Try it at your home or workplace. It’s fun. In fact, we’d love to hear what your favorite holiday song is and why.

Happy Holidays from all of us at IHHP!

In November 2011, we reached out to our community to ask you for input into helping us plan our future here at IHHP. With everyone being so time-starved these days we weren’t sure if we would get enough feedback to really give our community a voice as we headed into our 2012 plan. So our team thought it would be good to at least offer a small contest to incent people to participate. (Reminder: We offered a draw for an iPod Nano for everyone who participated.)

Not only did we have a huge response (way bigger than even the most optimistic amongst us thought we’d get!), but we had a lot of our community tell us they were actually disappointed that we felt we had to offer a contest to do so. In fact, some told me that they felt it was a “marketing gimmick” and just another way to get your e-mail addresses on our list. So they avoided responding. Thankfully, you were willing to tell me this!

Don’t worry. We honored the contest for those of you who did respond. In fact, our winner is…. Willia Cooper from Staples, Inc. in Framingham, MA.

But I would like to clarify our intention (versus the impact we had on many of you). We truly wanted your feedback. Your input! This really wasn’t a marketing gimmick. I believe a company is only as good as its key stakeholders. And you are our key stakeholders. Our champions. As I explained to the team here at IHHP, I will not go into a planning session without the voice of our community (our customers, our friends) at the table. It is like planning in a vacuum. So we reached out to all of you.

And share with us you did! Here’s some of what you told us about your experience with IHHP that we will refer to as we head into our company planning retreat:

• 51% of you attended a program with us over 2 years ago, and you still want to be part of our community. (Thank you!)

• 72% of you want access to more “just in time” resources (like e-learning, Virtual Community, job aids, each other!)

• Over 81% of you said you want more resources to help improve and to remember what you even learned about being your best when it matters most.

• And many of you have done an amazing job of working on being aware of your impact versus your intention with the relations around you. Well done! And thank you for sharing your stories!

There’s so much more to share and we’ll do that in our upcoming newsletters. We’ll not only share with you more of what you told us, but we’ll also share what plans our team at IHHP have made to ensure you know we’re listening.

So to all of you, we thank you, for being part of our community – whether you’re a new member or someone who has been with us for a long time. And to those of you who gave us the gift of feedback (through the survey, e-mails and phone calls), you’ve given us the greatest gift of all. We will cherish it. The entire team and family of IHHP thanks you.

From everyone at IHHP, we extend our wishes to you for a season of love and gratitude. Enjoy!

By Sue Easby

IHHP President

“Whatever gift Grandma gives you, just say thank you,” he would remind us. “Don’t say she gave you the same thing last year, don’t say you hate that colour, don’t say you like your sister’s gift better. Just say thank you.”

We children, being the clever (or smart-mouthed, depending on your perspective) little individuals we were, would challenge him, “What if she gives us the same thing we got at home this morning?”

“Just say thank you,” my father would reply.

“What if she gives us stinky soap?”

“Just say thank you,” he would say again. And the game would go on until we were all laughing about the possible horrors we might receive. Through it all, without a hint of frustration or exasperation, my father would deliver in his calm, consistent tone, “Just say thank you.”

As I continued to grow and my questions became more significant, his message remained the same, but took on a deeper meaning. He taught me that if someone pays me a compliment I don’t deserve, if someone offers me advice that I don’t want, or if someone offers an apology to mend a relationship, the best and most effective response is to just say thank you.

By: Thérèse Antonini

Chances are, when you think about your own high school experience, you recall more of the experience, emotion and feeling than you do the details of your 10^th grade English essay.

That’s because emotions can be a strong motivator for a student’s success and achievements. Positive emotions can create a strong drive for student success.

Intrinsic vs. External Motivators

One of the activities we encourage teens to do through iWire, our online self-guided journaling program, is to reflect and write on what motivates them to be successful in their lives. Our goal is to provide students with a safe, secure place where they can step back from all the pressures they face as teenagers and start to identify where their motivation to do well comes from. More often than not, the responses they share have to do with the positive feelings that come from achievement, rather than the external factors such as grades.

One student wrote recently “It’s not something or someone, but it’s a feeling. It’s how awesome it feels to succeed and how shitty it feels if and when I lose my motivation. I think what I’m basically trying to say is that I enjoy feeling successful and want to be able to feel that feeling of success in any aspect of my life.”

That feeling is an intrinsic motivator. It’s more potent and can seem more obtainable at times than the external motivation of grades or money. Research on student motivation suggests that students who can find that kind of intrinsic motivation are better able to retain information and concepts longer, more likely to be lifelong learners, will continue to educate themselves throughout their lives and outside formal school settings long after external motivators such as grades or degrees are removed. (For more information on this, please see our Useful Links section).

So How Do We Help our Teens become more intrinsically motivated?

Based on the conversations we’ve had with teens, educators and with parents, helping teenagers become more intrinsically motivated comes in part with being clear on intentions. There’s a difference between motivation and pressure. Sometimes, with good intent, as adults we may think that we’re motivating our teens by telling them they have to get good grades. What we might forget or omit is why that’s important. A friend of mine, Nogah, who’s involved with a really great initiative through the University of Toronto said “As educators, we have to be clear on how we frame achievement for students”. Intention versus Impact matters here. When we tell a student that they could do better, we have to be clear on the intention of that statement. Was it to tell them that they didn’t do well enough or was it to say to them “You’ve got a lot of potential and I want to help you reach it”?

Five Ways To Help Your Teen Get and Stay Motivated:

1. Define “Success” – Encourage your teen to think about and define what “success” means to them. Often the definition of success we have for ourselves comes from the people around us and what we’ve been told it is. Help your teen clearly identify what is important to her or him and create a Success Statement that can help guide and motivate them. Have them post it somewhere where they can see it every day.
2. Start the day positively – Help your teen or students start each day focused on something positive. We often encourage students to start the day off by reading an inspiring quote, focusing on a positive quality of leadership or watching a Youtube video that will put them in a positive mindset for the day. Just like we’re told that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what you put into your mind at the beginning of the day is equally as important.  Click here for one of my favorite videos.
   
3. Create Healthy Habits - Help your teen develop strategies that they can use to achieve, especially when things start to get difficult. Encourage your teens to recognize the kinds of healthy and hurtful habits they create for themselves when they’re stressed by asking questions such as “why do you think you do that?” or “What happens when you do that?” we help to show teens that we want to support them, not tell them what to do.
4. Set R.E.A.L Goals – At the beginning of every week, sit down with your teens and help them learn how to set realistic and achievable weekly goals. R.E.A.L goals stand for Realistic, Empowering, Active and Long-Term.
5. Create a performance partnership with your teen- By trying out the above, what you’re helping to do is to create partnership in their success. You’re helping to show your teen that you’re invested in their success but that it’s equally important that they invest in it as well.  Each week try sharing one goal that you both have with each other and discuss how you might help support each other in achieving it. This not only is a great way to connect, but it also provides teens with a feeling of inclusiveness.

Live Big,

Matt

It was November 26^th, 2010 when my friend, Lisa, and I set out to do some serious holiday shopping.  After Lisa and I had been sitting in the car for over 15 minutes just trying to turn into the parking lot, much of our initial excitement was losing steam. Once in, we realized that it was time to be strategic if we were going to get a parking spot.  We aligned ourselves to execute the “Stalk and Block”; a parking method used by truly serious holiday shoppers like us where exiting shoppers are stalked to their car then blocked until they pull their car out. At which point the Stalk and Blocker takes over the well-earned spot.

Lisa and I began to scan the concrete landscape for an exiting shopper who would make a good candidate to stalk.  I must be honest; we weren’t very good at this strategy as we had more than a couple false starts.  It had been over 15 minutes and we were still parking spot deprived.  Our frustration levels were increasing while our patience levels were decreasing.  Lisa had a family event that afternoon so the time to take advantage of the shopping discounts was quickly fleeting.

Suddenly, from the corner of our eyes we spotted our victim a couple aisles over.  They had already unlocked their car with their remote so we could identify the soon-to-be-vacant-spot and to our disbelief, there didn’t seem to be any cars in the aisle waiting for the spot!

As we headed over to what was soon going to be our parking spot, a car came flying out of an aisle (without even slowing to see if cars were coming), causing Lisa to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting him.  That was not the worst of it. Because there were cars coming from the opposite direction, the car was then stuck in the lane completely blocking us from being able to move.  This all happened as we watched our hard earned and clearly deserved parking spot stolen by a delighted shopper entering from the other direction.

By this time, even though my friend Lisa was very familiar with our Emotional Intelligence work, she found herself honking her horn and making a vulgar hand gesture to the man in the car.  She was furious. We were furious. We could see that the man was talking into a Bluetooth and seemed totally unaware what he had just done.  How could he not realize that we had just been trying to get into the parking lot and park for over half an hour? What made him so special and why did he cut us off AND block us from getting our spot? We drove away, blood boiling, ranting about what type of awful person this guy MUST be!

Unbelievably, the next aisle we turned down had an empty parking spot and we parked. Still upset and fuming, we headed into the shopping center.  Now this story doesn’t end there. That would be too predictable…too usual. A simple story of bad driving and parking lot road rage during the holiday season.

No, where this story takes an unexpected twist is 10 minutes later as Lisa and I stood in yet another line at the Pottery Barn (still angry and justifying our actions). As we stood there we saw to our surprise the “parking spot hijacker” enter the store. Lisa and I postured for an interaction; ready to give this guy a piece of our mind. At which point he walked up to us, reached out is hand and said, “Hello, my name is Brian and I just cut you off in the parking lot a couple of minutes ago.  I just want to say that I am sorry and I won’t risk diluting my apology with excuses.  We all have things going on and I wasn’t paying attention. I know that’s not your fault so please accept my apology as that must have been very frustrating for you.  I hope you can still enjoy your shopping today.”  With that he turned and walked away leaving Lisa and I standing there, with our chins touching the floor.

Moments later, as Lisa and I closed our mouths we realized what had just happened.  We had envisioned this man as an ignorant rude person because he wasn’t thinking of us, but it turns out we may have been pointing our finger in the wrong direction.  It was us who let our emotions take over; replacing clarity with entitlement.   We made assumptions and awfulized, about a person that we didn’t even know. How emotionally intelligent is that?  It was Brian who did not judge us in the moment (even with the unacceptable hand gesture from Lisa). Instead he thought of how his actions had impacted us and wanted to address it so that our day wasn’t ruined.  I will never forget that moment and the associated feelings of embarrassment that Lisa and I felt.

So, as we near the holiday season perhaps we can find a moment to stop, and instead of judging a person by their perceived actions, get curious about what may be going on for them. Stop your emotions from hijacking your rational mind, and give the benefit of the doubt.  We never knew why Brian was distracted in that moment, but it doesn’t matter, his generosity will never be forgotten!

Written by: Sara Ross