IT Manager, Dale*, had a specific coaching challenge-he felt his colleague, Joanne*, kept changing direction on an agreed-upon approach in a shared project Dale was leading. 
"Joanne said she was fine to go ahead as discussed last week but by the following Monday, she'd done an about face and didn't think we could move ahead with that plan."

I asked how he dealt with this opinion shift.  "I bit my tongue at first and tried to listen, but this is such a pattern with her that, in frustration, I said it was too late to make any changes at this point."  

Things quickly "went south" after that. 
 
Dale noted that Joanne usually had some great contributions, but the road to getting them could be very frustrating. We discussed how differing opinions, if not managed properly, can intensify to personal conflict-especially in a long-standing relationship like theirs.  Dale needed to turn their ongoing conflict into constructive interaction where differences were freely expressed, then used to find common ground and creative solutions.  
 
I asked Dale when he first noticed his frustration. As soon as Joanne said, "Dale, I've been thinking about what we discussed last week..." he knew she had changed her mind again and bang!-frustration. 

"Did you hear her concerns?" I asked.  

"Not really. I knew what was coming and though I tried, I already thought it was a bad idea to make changes at that point." 

When Dale's amygdala flooded, matters suddenly became 'either/or' to him.  He couldn't think creatively in that moment - and lost his ability to really listen.  Understanding this was an 'Aha Moment' for Dale.  "I guess the thinking part of my brain had flooded so I didn't really hear her." 

"What might the cost of that be?"

"She may have had some valid points that were ignored because instead of listening, I just said we were leaving things as is." 

I asked how that might have impacted Joanne.  "She probably didn't feel very appreciated." 

"If Joanne's concerns turned out to be valid, what impact might that have on the project?" 

"If they were important, it would be better to make changes sooner rather than learn the hard way later on," he replied.
 
Dale and I discussed how to manage his own emotions first when he noticed his listening shutting down. We also examined how his long-standing belief about Joanne 'always changing her mind' affected his emotional reactivity, increasing his impatience with her. How could Dale check that belief 'at the door' before interacting with Joanne so he could truly 'hear her out' before making decisions?  I suggested he work on seeking information in order to stay present when listening to her.

Dale left our session with a clearer understanding of how to improve his relationship with Joanne, as well as greater awareness of his own emotional processes. In our next session, he reported that he was less reactive with Joanne ... and more aware of where his beliefs and judgments showed up in other relationships in his life. His new awareness was clearly benefiting all his interactions!