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It’s
Friday
morning before a big presentation on Monday and you get the
call. One of your key people working on the project leaves
you a voice mail saying they are taking the day off. You hear
the news and lose it! How COULD they? This is potentially
one of the biggest deals your organization may have had in
years! You fume … you plot revenge … you plot their
going away luncheon …
Sound
familiar? Are we right in assuming that this person is just
goofing off and not really committed to the project or the
organization? Or do we perhaps need to have a bit more information
before we form such damning conclusions?
But how
often do we seek information first? Did you know that we humans
have a tendency to jump to judgment—to quickly make assumptions
about people and situations—often with less than five
percent of available information? We make these decisions
and judgments while operating with very little knowledge about
what may really be going on; usually with much less than we
need to make a reasonable next move. Now, given that we are,
for the most part, educated, measured and informed, why would
we do such a thing?
Well,
if you take a look at us from a developmental perspective,
you will see that there is a very real and neurologically
programmed reason for why we do this. We jump to judgment
as a way to protect ourselves. And while it seems that this
strategy worked very well for us as we evolved—in fact
it is most likely what allowed us to survive—it is certainly
less than 100% effective today!
Way back
(10,000 or so years ago), when we came down from the trees
to find our fortunes on the savannah plains, we no longer
were protected by the trees. We were out there in the big,
scary world, (probably even naked – ahh!!), with all
kinds of hungry animals lurking around, looking for their
next meal. For this reason, we learned very quickly that we
needed to amplify the negative—that is, we needed to
be very sensitive to any possible threat—if we were to
have any hope of protecting our designer genes . And our poor
brothers and sisters who weren’t able to, were more than
likely yesterday’s lunch!
We quickly
learned that whenever there was a sound in the brush we simply
didn’t have enough time to wait for more information
in order to make our next move. With that sound, we made an
instant decision—to run, freeze, or fight.
This saved
us 10,000 years ago. This served us 10,000 years ago. Today,
this regularly gets us into hot water. It puts us at risk
in relation to others. Why?
Because our hard wiring, built over the course of thousands
of years, causes us to continue to react in the same fashion.
The problem is, running from our spouse or manager isn’t
acceptable. Nor is playing dead, even though we may really
feel like it some days.
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 In
today’s world, where we continually face highly
complex and stressful situations, we must learn to manage
ourselves long enough to get more information. To STOP,
BREATHE, and SEEK INFORMATION. Without doing so, we
are at risk of causing reactive damage in our most important
relationships. Or, possibly even worse, (while still
jumping to judgement) keeping our strong thoughts and
feelings to ourselves. This not only creates residue
on the relationship (leading us to jump even sooner
to judgement the next time something happens in the
relationship) but kills creativity and innovation.
While
most of us know how to STOP and to BREATHE, we all could
use a little help on the SEEKING INFORMATION side. What
can we do to manage ourselves in order to find out more
and move forward using our rational IQ brain, instead
of our primitive emotional centre?
A
difficult task when we are angry, hurt or disappointed!
Here are a few tips for having that ‘courageous
conversation’ – the one that will move you
past judgment and blame in order to develop a better
understanding of the situation:
- Remember
to STOP and BREATHE first!
- Ask
questions! Don’t make assumptions or lay blame.
Below
are additional strategies that will be covered in more
depth in future EQ Tip Newsletters. These are also explained
in greater detail in our exciting new Courageous
Conversations 2-CD set. Why not take a minute to
check it out?
- Seek
contribution: think of how you may have contributed
to the challenging situation or event. This makes
others feel much less defensive and more likely to
own up to their own contribution;
- Try
to understand their intent—to not confuse the
impact of what they did for the intent of what they
were trying to do;
- Think
of what you can appreciate about the person with whom
you are having difficulty (this is one of the most
powerful ways to short circuit the ‘judging mind’).
If
you’re still struggling after trying these suggestions,
remember that developing these skills takes dedication,
repetition and time. If you would like to continue building
your skills in these areas, please visit our website
and consider our upcoming 2-day Emotional Intelligence
for Personal
Leadership program, which will guide you through
this practical and enriching process.
Think
of all those lives that touch yours on a regular basis—this
is your chance to make each connection count!
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