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With Valentine’s Day so soon upon us, it seems a good time to explore the notion of love. Hard not to be cynical about such a subject—anything marketed as much as Christmas or Halloween for commercial purposes is easy to get cynical about—but let’s try anyway.
The biggest mistake we make when thinking about love is seeing it as a noun rather than a verb. We think of love as a feeling – something that arbitrarily happens to us. We are reminded of the pain or exhilaration of our first love, of a crush, a romance, or a passion we may have had for someone.
Yes, love can be powerful and overwhelming, but this is only a part of the story, and a small part at that. Let’s be honest - how many times in our lives do we actually ‘fall in love’? How often in our day-to-day reality do we feel overcome with the feelings associated with love? Not very often (at least let’s hope not, or none of us would be very productive)!
And even when we do, these feelings don’t last very long – they have a very short shelf life. Hey, call me cynical but the truth is these feelings fade. They play an evolutionary role in getting us conjoined with others, but once the mission is accomplished, the feelings diminish. But there is more – far more: and this is where the fruit lies.
Love is a verb ... if we are awake to its possibility. Real love—the enduring type—comes from the act of giving. Not giving presents (read diamonds and the like), but intangible gifts such as empathy, appreciation, compassion, or the benefit of the doubt. This is the love often missed by Hollywood: a relationship that builds over time, where you get to know a person intimately, warts and all. Love changes over time, but remains.
I think of how different my understanding is of Elizabeth, my wife, now, versus 10 years ago when we first married. It makes me wonder, what was I thinking? Why did I ever marry her? … Kidding, of course! But what I do realize now is that the idea of love has changed dramatically for me. Love is deeper, driven by the mutual gifts we bestow on each other; gifts such as being non-judgmental, accepting of the skillful and not so skillful parts of ourselves (the light and the dark), how we hold each other accountable to be the best that each of us can be. The verb form of love makes relationships last, and creates the enduring feeling of love. Simple—not easy—but very powerful in connecting us to each other.
At home this may make sense, but I would like to suggest it works as well at work.
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If you have enjoyed our two-day program and feel you’d like to “dig deeper” into the benefits of Emotional Intelligence, here are a couple of ways to further your learning:
Click here to check out our 1-day Advanced EQ program—the next program is on April 27, 2005;
OR
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click here.
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Pardon? At work? Of course, at work! At least if you are a manager who gets it – who understands human behavior and what drives people. Enlightened managers understand an individual’s three fundamental needs. Foremost among them is to belong (you will have to wait for the next EQ Tips for the other two).
We all have a deep need to feel part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s what drives us. We want to feel accepted and valued. When we don’t feel loved and connected to others, it affects how we feel, how we behave, and maybe more than anything, in the context of work, how much of ourselves we bring to work. When an individual’s fundamental needs are not met, they begin to disengage. They cease being present. And let’s be clear: when you have employees disengaging from work, not bringing their best, the cost to performance and customer loyalty (because an employee’s emotions are infectious) are immense. Managers who understand this find ways to value their employees. It is crucial to our engagement at work, and our relationship with our direct manager is crucial to this.
Not only do people disengage, but their physical health can also be affected. Imagine--if you work for a toxic boss for a significant amount to time (5 years) your risk of heart disease and stroke goes up by 300% and 150%, respectively!
One of the most fundamental ways to love employees (which you can start doing tomorrow) is simply to be less judgmental - to understand what another person may be dealing with and how that might affect their behavior. This is in such short supply in workplaces today. Most people jump to judgment based on less than 5% of available information, creating a barrier between themselves and others. Employees end up feeling more isolated and less engaged—a potent recipe for disaster for both the employee and the organization. See if this week (the rest of the year?) you can make a commitment to love and value your employees simply by getting more information before you judge.
In the film, “Witness”, a very young Harrison Ford is being hunted by cops gone bad. An Amish family hides him and when the police arrive at their house, the young Amish boy (under the silent direction of his grandfather) is told to ring the bell; ring the bell and the entire community will come running—to aid the family.
In our communities of work, there is no bell to ring and, it seems, no one to answer it. We are so busy getting things done we can’t hear the bell and we miss the opportunity to make love a verb. See if you can tune in long enough so as not to miss the bell going off, indicating someone you lead needs help. And step in. Step in to be non-judgmental. Take the risk and step in to care.
I believe you’ll love the results!
Dr. J.P. Pawliw-Fry
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