Sue started by making him more Self-Aware—that is, conscious of the impact he had on others as well as more aware of the emotion that was driving his behavior. Sue needed John to appreciate that, even though he was smart and offered good ideas, his methods for achieving results were costing him opportunities to work on key projects. Astute to how this conversation might impact John, Sue went out of her way to clarify her intention; one of the most powerful ways to diminish the impact of a courageous conversation. “I needed him to first trust me,” she said. “He needed to know I had his career goals in mind and wanted him to succeed.”
By tuning in to John’s side of the story, Sue determined his emotional need was to be respected by his colleagues for his intelligence. She explained that people already knew how smart he was—his results were self-evident. “But people don’t want to work with you,” Sue continued. “They delay participation in your projects and don’t give you their best ideas.” John began to understand what we call the boomerang effect—his behavior impacted his team which then came back at him, impacting him, and driving his behavior back at the team.
This courageous conversation led John and Sue to develop an action plan. The primary goal was to turn his behavior around and rebuild his credibility with others. Recognizing his emotional need to achieve, Sue built qualifying behaviors to support this. For example, she coached him to solve business problems by genuinely seeking contribution from others; giving them space to add their voice and talent. They created a plan that involved three specific EQ skills to accomplish this:
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Listen to Their Ideas: When John showed empathy, others saw that he cared about them as people, as well as about their performance.
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Slow Down: He learned to become more aware of the emotional makeup of his team members by putting aside his personal drive and focusing on the pace they set.
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Model: As John’s behavior changed, he noticed that people on the team began to watch—and model—his behavior. While it took some time to occur, this went a long way to satisfying his need to feel valued for his intelligence (thus eliminating the boomerang effect).
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“In any action plan, it’s the results that matter,” Sue stated. “We knew we had chosen the right course of action when leaders began coming after this young talent, requesting him
for participation on their teams.
”This experience caused a light to go on for Sue. “These Emotional Intelligence concepts make sense, so why don’t I leverage them more often?” She began to use EI as the operating style for her team, implementing the following priorities:
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1. Speak Your Truth: Sue felt her team members should be able to express their feelings in a safe environment, trusting that sharing their opinion would not have a negative impact. Of course, what Sue was really doing was managing impact so that more truth could be told. Open and honest communication with all team members has become the cultural norm.
2. Value Each Team Member: Having seen how important it was to John to be valued for his unique contribution and recognizing the impact on him when it didn’t happen, Sue goes out of her way to publicly recognize and appreciate her team on a regular basis.
Make no mistake; this story is not just feel-good fluff. There has been a valid consequence to Sue’s courageous decision to deal with John’s behavior head-on and implement an EI operating style on her team—her team has become the highest performing in her organization three years running (winning an award each year). Are you ready to shrink the impact gaps within your group and lead your team to higher, healthier performance? It’s possible…with the right EI tools. Just ask Sue. “Emotional Intelligence has become the glue that holds it all together, enabling me to focus less on tasks and more on leadership. Leading has become a lot more fun and rewarding.”
Dr. J.P. Pawliw-Fry
* pseudonyms used |
